Summertime in Amarillo

Thanks so much for praying for me. I can really tell. I do feel like my stamina is growing for mommyhood. But, invariably, just when I think I can handle this I have a meaningless argument with a 7-year old that leaves me in tears or maybe tears for no good reason. So funny when I step back and think about it.

This summer has been a blessing. I really am grateful for the time with the kids. We are really having fun most of the time. I can see why being a mom-especially in the summertime- can be so difficult. So much pressure to get the kids physical activity …but so stinkin hot outside! What to do??!! Luckily, we do have a really nice pool in town that the kids love to go to. For the first few times I went I wouldn’t go in the pool with the kids. I’ve decided that some of the moms in this city never eat. Or maybe they live at the gym. How the heck to they have so many children AND six-pack abs??!!! So wrong. Then there are other moms more like me….which helps me feel validated. Somehow I’ve gotten over my issues of being seen in a swimsuit in public and have decided to get in the pool with the kids. Addison especially loves it because she can get in the deep end with me. I do love taking them to the pool simply because it wears them out…and they get some great exercise. So, we’re heading to the pool this afternoon.

Several folks have asked if the kids call me “mom” yet. No, not yet, at least to my face. I’ve heard Kyler refer to me as mom to other people…and I know he wants to call me mom….but hasn’t yet to my face. Addison will take longer I think. She does have lots of memories of her mom…and Andrea made two photo books for each of the kids with lots of pictures of her with them in it. I’m grateful for those books. Addison especially loves hers and often says “I want mama back.” In spite of all this…she did call me mama in one extraordinarily nostalgic moment a few weeks ago. She said “mama, there’s a dead roach!!” (just fyi…We had just had the exterminator come out and spray…so dead bugs were not uncommon.) Somehow, I imagined the first time she’d call me mama would be this really sweet, tender moment…..not one surrounding dead things!! J made me laugh, though!

I am learning how to weave in time with Jesus now. I’m desperate for it. I’m so far behind in my reading its embarrassing…but I’m working on catching up. Journaling, well, that’s my next step…finding time to do that consistently. I know my heart needs it. Lordwilling, it will come in time.

We did finally get the living room painted and my stuff on the walls. I still have a box of pictures to go through of the kids and put into photo albums. Not sure when this will happen since I’m not a scrapbooker at all anymore. Slowly, the house is feeling like home. Amarillo is a great little town too. It definitely has its plusses. I mean, where else can you get your name changed on your social security card, drivers license, and open a new checking account all within an hour and a half?? Seriously we did it that fast. Such a blessing! It is a nice place to live, however, I hope I never get used the crisp smell of cow manure wafting from Hereford at dusk and dawn each day. Lord help me.

Not in Kansas Anymore

Being married is so fun….so is being a mom. I love both…but wow..the changes. Let’s just say I’ve cried a lot over the last month….not because I’m unhappy…just sad and unfamiliar in this new territory. I knew this stage was coming….and even thought I’d “braced” myself for it…but I don’t think you can really prepare yourself for all this.

I have been overwhelmed a lot. Cooking. Laundry. Cleaning up after four people is MUCH more than for just one…who knew?! Probably the hardest part has been adjusting to not being completely in control of my time. Since I’m home with kids this summer…trying to “work”…I’m finding that I just can’t get as much done as I could when I was single. (I know, I know…there’s a big DUH out there for me.) In the past when I’ve moved I got all the moving in done asap. I’m STILL sitting in our living room next to boxes of stuff I don’t want to put up until we paint. It makes me anxious…and I know it bugs Mark too. I’m conflicted too because as I take things off the wall---most of which are pictures of the kids---I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Mark assures me he is fine with it…and I am going to keep all the pictures for the kids. I am becoming more and more acquainted with my sensitivities…hence the frequent crying. Poor Mark. I hold it together all day as I feel like I have to be “on” for the kids…then fall apart in the evenings when he’s there to focus on the kids.

OH yeah…did I mention my computer has been Satan’s playground for three weeks? So, I’ve been virtually worthless to Crusade which I feel horrible about. After weeks of conversations with dell techs and Crusade techs….i think I’m back to normal. Only losses are my itunes and pictures…but in the grand scheme of things…I’m over by now. Granted…I was uber frustrated in the moment. So, on top of the super slow moving in process….I’ve been super unproductive on the work front too. Ugh.

The ironic part of all this is that the Lord gave me a “rule of life” a few months ago as my community group was studying spiritual disciplines. As I prayed and focused on what I felt like the Lord wanted for me….it came down very simply.

What do I want to be true of me? Grateful. Generous. Graceful.

I remember some friends commenting on how that rule will be a gift to me as I enter this marriage/stage of life. The few moments I do sit down and listen to the Lord these days, this rings so true. If only I can remember to give myself grace in this stage. You can pray that I can do this… learn how to set reachable goals for myself. I don’t know if that makes sense….but Mark is so great about encouraging me and affirming me through this process.

The Lord has given me some sweet-but new- friends…who are amazingly initiating with me consistently. Huge gift. Unbeleiveable small group-we all love Jesus and have the same sense of humor. I can’t say enough about them.
I do feel like I’m babbling at this point. So sorry. Just wanted to give you a snapshot into my life/heart at this stage. I do love being here. I love my husband and kiddos. They are super great I am just on the steepest learning curve of my life …so I covet your prayers. Here’s where the babbling will end. Thanks for reading this far and for your prayers. I’d love to hear from you! ….

The Wedding Gift

This past Friday I accepted a job at Tascosa High School.....go rebels!

I'll be teaching Algebra 2 to juniors! So fun! I spoke with the head of the math department for a while about why Algebra 2??? I honestly was worried about having been out of the classroom for 10 years and how much studying would I have to do to teach this? She was very comforting and communicated great faith in me. She said that their department plans together so I'll never feel alone in trying to figure how to teach something. After hearing her thought process on the assignment, I felt really comforted and felt like it would be a great fit and that she was really seeking to set me up for success. She also said "one day, Robyn, I'll tell you the story of how much of an answer to prayer you are to me". More confirmation.

So, the funniest and surprising part is that I will also be one of three cheerleader sponsors. Ha! So not at cheerleader...but it came with the job and a super small stipend. The more it think about this the more I see it as having a discipleship group assigned to me. So fun! I am excited about being in their lives and, Lordwilling, influencing them for Christ. Mark is really excited about it to...he loves attending sporting events and he said the kids would really enjoy it too...especially Addison who has a fetish for cheerleaders already. Great family bonding ahead! Mark is already talking about getting her a Tascosa cheerleading outfit. Hilarious.

The school is about three miles from our home....Kyler will be in school adn Addison will be in all-day pre-k. We'll be busy when school starts, but it is all a blessing.

I do feel like this assignment is from the Lord in so many ways. It is a gift that I have a job before the wedding. One less thing to be anxious about. Thank you Jesus!

Engagement!!

Hey friends…

Just wanted to let you guys know Mark proposed this weekend while I was in Amarillo.

It was a great time with the kids and being on his turf. Lots of information to take in all at once….meeting Addison (3 yr old daughter), seeing his house for the first time, getting to know Amarillo, met his church friends, etc. oh yeah, and a good ‘ole ice storm. Woohoo!

No, the weekend went really well. Addison was a little leery of me initially but after a few hours and reading a few books to her….no problems. I enjoyed getting to spend time with her. It was definitely different being a family with them. So different…I suppose it will get better and easier with time.

Saturday Mark took us all to the Nutcracker in downtown Amarillo. It was really well done. The kids loved it. Seeing the nutcracker with a 3 yr old on your lap makes it so much more entertaining. I was really impressed with the kids and their attention span during the show. Needless to say, they were exhausted by the time we went to dinner and headed home afterward.

After the kids were fast asleep Mark and I were watching tv and he began to talk about the snowmen figurines on the window sill. There were several of them and they had “special” meaning to Andrea, Mark’s former wife. (Later, I found out this was all made up). He said there was a snowman just for me…uniquely for me on the sill and that I needed to go and figure out what it was. Me, being the logical rule-follower that I am..looked only at the snowmen on the sill. Mark stood back and laughed at me and kept saying “it’s so obvious!”. Because I was just following the directions to look at snowmen….i had overlooked a silver jewelry box right in the middle. I guess I just thought it was part of Andrea’s collection somehow…but out of desperation in this little game I picked it up. It was engraved to me: “Robyn, I love the way you love me! Mark”…really sweet and romantic…

Then I opened the box and found a silver rhinestone-studded fortune cookie. Yes, I said fortune cookie. Ultimate in randomness. I open the cookie and found a little engraved fortune that says “will you marry me?”. I look up and Mark is on his knee with the ring…and he asks me himself. I said yes!!

Now, what you don’t know is that I found all the gushy romance a little much throughout our relationship... and Mark knew it. He also knows that I don’t really like figurines and little sentimental stuff. I’m a purger at heart. He knows all this….so he knew I was cringing the whole time as the gifts kept a’comin. I didn’t want to spoil his efforts and really wanted to relish the time…so I didn’t say anything. About 30 minutes later Mark tells me that the whole thing was planned to make me cringe and to create a little joke between us as he knew I would never be able to purge these gifts. Now, I’m laughing out loud. So funny. He did a great job!

Oh yeah, the ring is amazing. Perfect…I love it. Wish I could get a decent picture to post …but it just hasn’t happened yet.

Thanks for celebrating with us!

Save the date--- June 1, 2008…the wedding will be in North Richland Hills, Texas. More info to come.

Love you guys!

My Mark

Hey all…

I’ve been encouraged by several of you to update everyone on the happenings in my life since the summer. Thanks again for walking with me through the summer and praying for me. I’m sure you’ll be encouraged as I have been with how the Lord has worked since then. No, this stuff isn’t on my blog yet….not much has happened there in a while…oh well.

As you may remember, mid summer I shut down all my online dating profiles mid-summer and took at break from the online scene. It was good for my heart. When I got home during the first week of August eharmony sent me new matches. I didn’t bother to look at them...because I was “done”. One decided to initiate with me...(basically said they are interested and wanted to communicate with me)which is rare…so I gave him the courtesy of looking at his profile. Few strikes against him from the get-go. #1 no picture….#2 atrocious spelling and #3 Lives in Amarillo. Not a good start. I was delighted to see that he loved football—especially the Texas Longhorns. I like that he was masculine and apparently 6’2”….and there was just something that endeared him to me…can’t explain it.

Well, since I had closed my account with eharmony I could see my matches but could not communicate with them unless I paid up again for another month or something. In light of the necessary additional financial investment required and my past experiences online I prayed/hesitated for a few days. Although I was fearful of yet another rejection I paid my pennies to communicate with this guy- Mark- hoping he wouldn’t shut it down immediately.

Well, long story short. We’ve been dating since August...yes, I said dating….and I’m not wetting my pants anymore from excitement!!! Go ahead….I know….I never thought it would happen either.

More about my Mark---

Widowed- wife passed away from Leukemia at 31. He is 37.

Two kids—Kyler (boy) 7, and Addison 3.

He’s been to Austin twice for real dates…but we have daily phone dates. He has been so easy to get to know and he has clearly pursued me and the Lord in our relationship. He doesn’t let me wig out about the future but always reminds me that the Lord is bigger than whatever obstacle is ahead. I have met Kyler…he came with Mark last time he was in Austin. He’s a great kid…so cute and sweet. Apparently he likes me too….he called me Halloween night to tell me all about his ninja costume and his “girlfriend”. So so cute. I have not met Addison yet…but will the first week of December when I go to Amarillo for the first time.

Mark works for the state with Child Protective Services….he’s been with them for a while in a variety of roles. He has some crazy stories. He as such a soft, caring heart for kids; he is very kind but strong with folks when he needs to be. Seems, to me anyway, that he has really healthy boundaries….and has dealt with the death of his wife very well. He’s shared with me about how he walked through the grieving process and continues to do so. He is very open with me. All I know is that he has walked through more hard doses of life at 37 than most of us will in a lifetime…and is loving Jesus…and very joyful. I really admire him for his attitude.

I could go on and on……I really love him. He loves me really well too…never thought I’d share this kind of relationship with a man.

Yes, love him. I said it…and he knows it too. He is coming to meet my family after Thanksgiving and I’ll be meeting his just after Christmas. So, as you can imagine…we are talking about a future together.

FAQs:

1. Would you move to Amarillo? Yes, I will. It just makes the most sense. The kids and Mark’s community and roots are there….I’m much more portable than they are. I want the best for the kids emotionally as they get used to me being in their life.
2. Stay on staff? Possibly/probably- we’ll see how my support raising goes… and, I’d have to be approved for an exception. I would like to simply because it would help me transition. I flip out a little when I think of all that will change for me…and my identity as I’ve known it. To stay w/CCC in a different admin role (not conferences) will allow me to keep CCC relationships and identity for a season at least. The Lord is in control
3. When would you get married? Don’t know yet. We want to wait and see how the kids are when we’re all together…and don’t want to force them into anything they are not ready for at this point. We’re waiting on the Lord to give us the green light.

Thanks for praying for me and for your continued prayers for our relationship and the kids. (so crazy to even type this)

I love you guys…thanks for letting me gush and share.

Swim Lessons

I've done something out of the ordinary this week. I registered for swim lessons. Yes, i found a private instructor, paid the dues, got the suit and have elimnated all the excuses I have had for years. I've had this weird fear of swimming for most of my life. When I was younger all I remember about swimming was the fact that it always resulted in me getting sick. It's funny to me to confess my fears to my instructor and for her to calm my fears and tell me how to avoid the seemingly inevitable ear infections I used to get.

What I'm sitting here pondering is where in the world did the courage come from to do that? All in one day I convinced myself to conquer this fear. Granted, I have yet to step foot in the water let along put my head under water...but, still I've made up my mind and convinced myself it is worth the investment and risk.

So, why can't I see the same worth in relationships? Sometimes the risk of pain is just too overwhelming....and paralyzing to say the least. Are there some drops you can buy, or brace you can wear to avoid pain during or after you take the risk? It would be so nice. Again, I'm faced with my unbelief. If my faith were better grounded in the character of God perhaps I wouldn't have such weak knees. He promises to walk with me through this life...through the fun and the pain in relationships. Such a reminder of how much I need to rest in Him whether the fear seems silly or paralyzing. I'm good at fear....it keeps me from so many good things in life. I pray that the Lord will help me be good at faith... I just don't want to miss out on what He has for me.

The Road to Hell

Such a catchy title, huh?! Well, I stole it. It comes from a quote by John Donne. He said, "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." Why this quote has stuck in my mind since college is beyond me. Why couldn't it be a more happy thought like "God is Love" ...or "You are my sunshine"....or... whatever..you fill in the blanks. Only the Lord knows why...perhaps He knows it movitates me on some dark, twisted level. I'm not afraid of going to Hell..because I am confident that my faith in Christ is enough. What strikes me is that unfulfilled intentions can fill a life. Ick. Sounds awful and I don't want that to be true of me.

Especially now that I'm back to living by myself I'm struck by the truth that so much possibility lies before me and is somewhat within my control. It is so easy (and honestly, fun, sometimes) to be enveloped by my cushy couch and drown the entire night with the brainless sounds of the tv. While this activity is perhaps one of my favorites I am struck by the vision the Lord has given me for my life. Not so much the career vision...but the "being" vision. Who He wants me to be... I do long to be a light for Jesus wherever I am...but how many times have I moved and never bothered to meet my neighbors? Oh, I always thought I should...just never made it happen. Or how often do I plan my schedule based on what fills my cup...instead of what can I do for someone else. I don't want to squander this life on myself...that is not why I'm here. I know deep down that if I continue on this path I will be left with regret. Yet, it is such a default setting for me.

I'm so grateful for the grace of God. He knows I'm prone to wander. He knows that I sometimes think on some level...that I would never verbalize....that He doesn't know my needs and ultimately no one will meet them if I don't do it myself. He knows my unbelief and still surrounds me with His kind and abundant love. I still don't get it.

I think that part of me developing a greater understanding of His love will come from me choosing to step out in faith and do the things that may not come naturally...but can communicate His love in some small way. Maybe....I might need to noodle on that just a little more.....it's a fresh revelation.

Why all this rambling? Well, I've been convinced by the Spirit of God to be different in this apartment complex. I made chocolate chip cookies...and ventured out to meet the neighbors tonight. Shrouded in fear I started knocking on doors. While I haven't been able to meet everyone yet I am overwhelmed by God's goodness. I met two families who just moved here from Korea. They didn's speak much English...but did you know Chocolate chip cookies transcends language barriers. Seemed like there were a gillion kids in there...they jumped up and grabbed the cookies while I tried to make some conversation with one of the moms. Precious.

Who knows if I'll ever see these folks again...it doesn't matter. I just want to be available...and not so focused on my own life.

Actually, I need to go next door... babysitter said they'd be back by 8.