Swim Lessons

I've done something out of the ordinary this week. I registered for swim lessons. Yes, i found a private instructor, paid the dues, got the suit and have elimnated all the excuses I have had for years. I've had this weird fear of swimming for most of my life. When I was younger all I remember about swimming was the fact that it always resulted in me getting sick. It's funny to me to confess my fears to my instructor and for her to calm my fears and tell me how to avoid the seemingly inevitable ear infections I used to get.

What I'm sitting here pondering is where in the world did the courage come from to do that? All in one day I convinced myself to conquer this fear. Granted, I have yet to step foot in the water let along put my head under water...but, still I've made up my mind and convinced myself it is worth the investment and risk.

So, why can't I see the same worth in relationships? Sometimes the risk of pain is just too overwhelming....and paralyzing to say the least. Are there some drops you can buy, or brace you can wear to avoid pain during or after you take the risk? It would be so nice. Again, I'm faced with my unbelief. If my faith were better grounded in the character of God perhaps I wouldn't have such weak knees. He promises to walk with me through this life...through the fun and the pain in relationships. Such a reminder of how much I need to rest in Him whether the fear seems silly or paralyzing. I'm good at fear....it keeps me from so many good things in life. I pray that the Lord will help me be good at faith... I just don't want to miss out on what He has for me.

The Road to Hell

Such a catchy title, huh?! Well, I stole it. It comes from a quote by John Donne. He said, "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." Why this quote has stuck in my mind since college is beyond me. Why couldn't it be a more happy thought like "God is Love" ...or "You are my sunshine"....or... whatever..you fill in the blanks. Only the Lord knows why...perhaps He knows it movitates me on some dark, twisted level. I'm not afraid of going to Hell..because I am confident that my faith in Christ is enough. What strikes me is that unfulfilled intentions can fill a life. Ick. Sounds awful and I don't want that to be true of me.

Especially now that I'm back to living by myself I'm struck by the truth that so much possibility lies before me and is somewhat within my control. It is so easy (and honestly, fun, sometimes) to be enveloped by my cushy couch and drown the entire night with the brainless sounds of the tv. While this activity is perhaps one of my favorites I am struck by the vision the Lord has given me for my life. Not so much the career vision...but the "being" vision. Who He wants me to be... I do long to be a light for Jesus wherever I am...but how many times have I moved and never bothered to meet my neighbors? Oh, I always thought I should...just never made it happen. Or how often do I plan my schedule based on what fills my cup...instead of what can I do for someone else. I don't want to squander this life on myself...that is not why I'm here. I know deep down that if I continue on this path I will be left with regret. Yet, it is such a default setting for me.

I'm so grateful for the grace of God. He knows I'm prone to wander. He knows that I sometimes think on some level...that I would never verbalize....that He doesn't know my needs and ultimately no one will meet them if I don't do it myself. He knows my unbelief and still surrounds me with His kind and abundant love. I still don't get it.

I think that part of me developing a greater understanding of His love will come from me choosing to step out in faith and do the things that may not come naturally...but can communicate His love in some small way. Maybe....I might need to noodle on that just a little more.....it's a fresh revelation.

Why all this rambling? Well, I've been convinced by the Spirit of God to be different in this apartment complex. I made chocolate chip cookies...and ventured out to meet the neighbors tonight. Shrouded in fear I started knocking on doors. While I haven't been able to meet everyone yet I am overwhelmed by God's goodness. I met two families who just moved here from Korea. They didn's speak much English...but did you know Chocolate chip cookies transcends language barriers. Seemed like there were a gillion kids in there...they jumped up and grabbed the cookies while I tried to make some conversation with one of the moms. Precious.

Who knows if I'll ever see these folks again...it doesn't matter. I just want to be available...and not so focused on my own life.

Actually, I need to go next door... babysitter said they'd be back by 8.

Rocky Mountain High Epilogue

August 5. 2007

I’m back in Austin now..WAHOO!!….it is August and stinkin hot and humid….shew! It really does make me appreciate Colorado. I love Austin, though---so nice to be home.

After my long drive home and the family reunion last Saturday, I spent a couple days with my family. The reunion was pretty tame and low key. There were only about 20 of us there…including some family members I’ve never met. It was a huge deal for my mother who is growing more and more sentimental each day. My cousin stayed in town until Monday and hung out with my family most of the time …which is fine and great for him. All that to say…I was so glad to get back to Austin and find solitude. So quiet and peaceful…it is Friday and I’m finally beginning to let down. Who knew it would take so long??!!

None of the guys on my “wish-they-would-ask-me-out” list delivered. It’s okay, though. I’m really okay with that. While I love the attention of their friendship…..my heart is somewhat weary and perhaps…content..with my life now. Who knew it could happen after a summer like this??

In a nugget, I loved my summer. I loved training my team and watching them thrive and be refreshed throughout the summer. Loved it. I loved learning more about how I’m wired and having the opportunity to process with “neutral” parties.

As I begin to reconnect with folks and have about 30 seconds to describe my summer….I am more and more grateful for your accompaniment all summer. Thanks for just “listening”. Your willingness to read along and pray has meant a ton to me the past two months. Community is huge...and the Lord has been so generous to me through you.

Rocky Mountain High 6

July 20. 2007

One week from today I leave Fort Collins . I can’t believe how quickly the summer has flown by.

My heart has been in a happy, contented, and grateful place for a few days now. The Lord has been faithful to generously give me what I needed this summer. I have enjoyed being able to float from group to group out here and be my “selectively sociable” self.

We tried to get a group to go out and country dance. Ha. Coloradans line dance. So much wrong that. The dance floor was half-filled with line dancers….so those who wanted to two-step were quite limited. It was so sad to me…the place was packed out, had a great live band, but the majority only danced to hip hop. Why would they even bother to go to a country place? I don’t get it. I did get one good dance in…so packing my boots was worth it!

Last weekend through Wednesday was our “Ministry Days”….all the individual ministries within Crusade meet for vision, worship, and teaching specific to their scope. Last night began the US Staff Conference---so all 6,000 of us are in one arena. It is pretty amazing to look around during worship and to consider how the Lord is working around the world through every person in the room. It is fantastic and so visionary. It is good for my heart to be here and let the Lord work on my heart however He chooses. As many of you know, this Spring I have considered leaving staff once again….it’s a common occurrence for me each Spring I’m learning. I don’t know how long the Lord will leave me in my current role, or in Austin ….but being here reminds me that I get to be a part of the bigger vision of Crusade in a unique way. How quickly I forget as I get buried in the mundane. Today has been a good day…no anxiety about the future….or even if the Lord will give me a spouse. Today I’m good…

This morning’s talk was given by Chip Ingram. It was on John 11 and Jesus’s reaction to Mary and Martha’s request to come and heal Lazarus. Jesus didn’t take away the pain…but did it “so that you may believe.” Such a reminder that the Lord may not remove the “thorn” of the season….but He still loves us deeply and cares more about our knowing him than about solving my “problem”. Great reminder for all of us.

You can continue to pray for me and my stamina. Some mornings I wake up and want to avoid anyone breathing….but then some days I’m fine. I am tired of crowds….but know that it will be over before I know it… and I need to be “all here” mentally, emotionally, and relationally. There are a couple guys out here I’d love to go out with if the Lord would be so gracious…but either way…I’ll trust him.

Rocky Mountian High 5

July 13. 2007

Hope you have had a great week. This week has flown by for me. Work has been crazy as we are expecting about 2000 folks to arrive this weekend. Yes, we'll be working most of Saturday and Sunday...trying to get folks in the right place and fully informed about the conference next week.

Work has been kind of crazy as we prepare for the masses. My team is pretty tired...so if you think of us...please pray...the next two days will be difficult and we will be very aware of our need for the Holy Spirit...hopefully..we'll be submitting to him all weekend as we serve the staff. I love my team...I have been blessed with such sweet relationships with them. It has been fun to live life with them in the dorms and in the cube. Some of my girls are heartbroken...some sick of people...and some just overloaded by life. I'm sure they would appreciate your prayers. Luckily-we got a new team member this week...he's fresh out here and excited about the work...which is nice to have at this point.

Some of you have asked about the devotional I gave on Monday. I have been so encouraged by the feedback from folks here. Basically I shared about unmet desire...using my desire for marriage as an example. In an effort not to breakdown in front of strangers..I made fun of myself and the situation/pressure out here. Most people found me funny...in fact
my director keeps saying... "I didn't know you were so funny!". I
talked about how we can choose to live with unmet desire in so many ways....hopelessness...or putting hope in our own strength..or we can live as Psalm 131 describes-as a stilled and quieted soul...trusting in the Father. It was challenging for me to share...in light of the past few weeks...as you all know. It was encouraging and healing for me I think.

Great news! My computer died yesterday...but I'm in CO which means I have tech guys at my beck and call. They worked all day and this morning on the computer...all to find out my memory was bad. At least we have a diagnosis...I'm getting new memory...but the best part is that it is fixed well. I'm not sitting here waiting for the next seizure.

I hope you're doing well. I can't believe it is July 13th already. I'll be back in Austin August 1st! I can't wait to get home and live life there. It really has been fun here...and it will be bittersweet to leave in some ways.

Rocky Mountain High 4

July 6. 2007

Last weekend I felt like my heart turned the corner and began to walk in some hope again. I even got out Sunday night and played games with folks …it was really fun and I found it to be life-giving. I know I mentioned that I was participating in social stuff by faith. One thing I did last weekend was speed dating. Yes, speed dating. As you would expect there were half as many guys than girls…but still fun. I had the opportunity to meet three guys I didn’t previously know. Didn’t meet anyone that swept me off my feet if you know what I mean…but it was good practice none the less.

After many days and hours of being Debbie Downer in the man category- feeling as if I'd never meet anyone. I decide to get back to work and then maybe 20 minutes later…this guy I met speed dating comes to the office and out of nowhere- in front of part of my team- asks me out for coffee. I was in shock. A date??? What??? Me??? Unbelievable kindness from the Lord. So precious to me.

What else…..it has been a good week in a lot of ways. I’m beginning to understand even more about the condition of my heart this summer. I did another personality test dealio. I discovered that I have a high desire/need for harmony and when work and/or home is not harmonious I wear down more than others. Things at work and at home have been difficult this past year…so no wonder my heart has been in survival mode for so long…and struggling through depression. I love my happy pills. It is nice to understand how I got here …and to trust Jesus to lead me through a season of healing and rest.

I am giving a devotional to our staff conference team on Monday. We’ve been challenged to be vulnerable about what God is teaching me personally. I feel pretty scattered and moody this summer…and I’m not sure how to communicate what He’s teaching me…and furthermore, how will it relate to my audience. I am praying that my concern will not be what others think of me…but that others would be pointed to Jesus as a result. So, in addition to however the Lord leads…you can pray for me as I prepare the devo.

Rocky Mountain High 3

June 28.2007

It’s Thursday night and I’m avoiding studying for my Old Testament final exam tomorrow. So, call it what you’d want, but I thought I’d take some time to write and update you on the week.

I’ve been taking an Old Testament Survey class for the past two weeks. It has been a whirlwind of information but so fun too. I have really enjoyed our professor and his perspectives. The final is tomorrow and while I’ll be glad to put the uber-anal-studious Robyn away, I’ll be sad to end my afternoons of lecture…at least to a degree. The next couple weeks will be spent working on housing alone…so who knows how busy I’ll really be. I need to find something to occupy my mind for sure.

The Lord is working…and I am grateful. A girl on my floor asked me the other night “what are you praying for this summer?”. I was so taken back by that question. I was shocked because my gut reaction was to spurt off “a date, duh??!!” Gratefully, I caught myself before I said that out loud and just said “let me get back with you.” As I took this disturbing encounter before the Lord I was really disgusted with my heart’s condition. I just found in me a heart so focused on men that I didn’t care about others, ministry, or any other possible relationship this summer. I was sad also that I found a spirit of entitlement in me which, ironically, is one of my biggest pet peeves in others. I have had several times with Jesus lately where I have just had to confess my frustration and spirit of entitlement. While being married is obviously a huge desire in me (and so many)…I don’t ever want it to supersede my desire for the Lord. I want my heart to be focused on Him, trusting in Him…and leaving my anxious desires at His feet and living in a way that I can rest and trust daily. As simple as this may sound…I’m re-learning my purpose on this planet is not to be married someday. It’s kind of ironic to me because as I’ve reflected on this I realize that I go through this “object lesson” every summer in some shape, form, or fashion. Obviously, I’m a slow learner. Obviously, Jesus’ grace and mercy are abundant in my life.

I am participating in social stuff out here by faith. My cynical side says “there are no guys who would notice me” or “I’m too old for these guys” or “only the social misfits will show up”…but by faith I’ll stay in action. You can continue to pray that I will stay engaged socially. I’ m probably spending too much time alone with Jack Bauer and season 3 of 24. In fact, I’m pretty sad that I only have 4-5 episodes left to watch. I’m tired of being cynical and just don’t think it is honoring to the Lord. I’m very aware of my heart’s language right now…but still think it is somewhat hard to hope. I know Jesus is bigger than this…and has amazing plans for me …even this summer. I don’t want to miss out on His presence in my life by focusing on one category.

I know I sound very melancholy. I still am…but I do believe my hope is growing as I connect with Jesus through this experience.

Rocky Mountain High 2

June 22.2007

This week has felt super long. We registered close to 500 folks last weekend and started all the tracks this past Monday. One of the tracks is seminary classes. I’m taking Old Testament Survey and class started this past Monday and our final is next Friday. Yikes. Lots of reading…and studying. It’s a different world here.

One thing I am realizing is how much being out here (at CSU- among Crusade staff) is a battlefield for my mind and heart. Perhaps this is the area in which I have been the most worn out. Let me explain- I am surrounded by perfect looking girls, size 2s, engagement rings, and wedding photos. The enemy loves to remind me that this is my fourth time out here in the same stage of life…so it is easy for my heart to despair and grow an unfounded sense of entitlement. It is a battle not to compare myself (in any category) with all the other girls in an effort to explain my singleness. It is a battle not to be mad at all the single men out here who I assume have written me off as too old or not cute enough. I remember reading Captivating a couple summers ago and being reminded that part of the battle is just keeping my heart soft and hopeful instead of bitter and cold. I don’t need an explanation I need deeper trust. Oh, if my heart could just be still…I’ve been often reminded of Psalm 131 and the need to be resting in the Father’s lap…entrusting it all to Him. I stink at trusting...I’m so much better and manipulation and control. Dang it! I do pray that the Lord will deepen my capacity to trust His heart for me…that not only does He have a great plan for me and my desires to be met…but He also delights in me just as I am.

Who knows what the Lord will choose to do….all I know is that it will be good. I’m just grateful we can’t screw up His plan. That does bring me much comfort.

It has been a fun week in some respect too. I have enjoyed my class a lot and am learning a lot. I am so blessed to have the room I do and the air conditioning I have. I get to walk across a beautiful campus in lovely weather every day… It could be so much worse. Oh for a heart that would automatically recount all the goodness God has lavished on me.
We’re all in this together…..thanks for being on my team.

Rocky Mountain High 1

This is my first entry. Really, this is the beginning of my summer. I actually wrote this June 14, 2007. Sorry if you weren't on the original email. No hard feelings, please. This will just give you insight into my summer experience!

June 14. 2007

I can’t believe I’ve been here almost two weeks already. I has gone by super fast!

I do love spending my summers in Colorado with this conference team. Many of the conference leaders are good friends and former coworkers of mine from my days in Orlando. So, in some ways it feels like being with family. This summer, as some of you know, I am leading a team who is tasked with housing staff on campus in the dorms of CSU. It is a large task but I love the challenge and the opportunity for a team to experience such a great accomplishment. This is my third year in the role which helps me be more laid back in some ways. I know it will all get done somehow and someway. Each summer I’ve done this I have a new team of workers to train.

This summer’s team is so fun! I decided to recruit my own team this time around- call me control freak- but I just wanted the right kind of person on my team …someone who can thrive in this type of position. I was able to recruit two fellow staff members to come out as well as Sarah Bubb- most of you know Sarah from FEFC. So far, this is a team of rock stars! They are so great….I’ve given them the basic knowledge, tools, and power…and watch out…this job is being done in record time!! I love it…and we are laughing our way through it. Such a fun way to serve our fellow staff together.

I am living in the dorm again this summer…pros and cons…but I like it. The biggest con is that the dorm is not air-conditioned. The main operations director, however, has surprised me and is putting an air-conditioner in my room!! I just can’t believe it. I’m not sure what it will be like to dry my hair mid-july without sweating ??!!! Be still my soul! God is good to me. I think He loves me.

Today we spent the afternoon at the CSU ropes course for some team building time. It was awesome. Me, the non-athletic, uncoordinated was challenged to overcome fear. Believe it or not…I attempted a climbing wall…but didn’t make it all the way. Then I made my way over to the high ropes course. 2 years ago …I just watched everyone attempt stuff. This year, after much observation and self psyching…I decided to do a high element. It as like a wooden bridge that you often seen spanning a cavern in a movie. There was no cavern, but there was 20 ft of air below it. I climbed up, walked across and halfway back without problem. So weird…I just thought I was scared. Not so much. After conquering the “bridge” I worked my way over to the “catwalk”. This is a telephone pole suspended 20 ft up. Without much time for fear to build I climbed up again and began to do the catwalk. The belay holder challenged me to do it blindfolded. Blindfolded? Who are we kidding? So I did. Me? Yeah…call me crazy. I stepped out…gingerly walked across it and then he challenged me to go backward. I did..no prob. It was amazing how much I learned about how fear often paralyzes me for no reason. Quite the day of challenging myself. It was a fun day…and to experience it alongside my teammates here. Got some good sun too by the way.

So, it has been fun so far. I’m encouraged by being here among friends.