June 22.2007
This week has felt super long. We registered close to 500 folks last weekend and started all the tracks this past Monday. One of the tracks is seminary classes. I’m taking Old Testament Survey and class started this past Monday and our final is next Friday. Yikes. Lots of reading…and studying. It’s a different world here.
One thing I am realizing is how much being out here (at CSU- among Crusade staff) is a battlefield for my mind and heart. Perhaps this is the area in which I have been the most worn out. Let me explain- I am surrounded by perfect looking girls, size 2s, engagement rings, and wedding photos. The enemy loves to remind me that this is my fourth time out here in the same stage of life…so it is easy for my heart to despair and grow an unfounded sense of entitlement. It is a battle not to compare myself (in any category) with all the other girls in an effort to explain my singleness. It is a battle not to be mad at all the single men out here who I assume have written me off as too old or not cute enough. I remember reading Captivating a couple summers ago and being reminded that part of the battle is just keeping my heart soft and hopeful instead of bitter and cold. I don’t need an explanation I need deeper trust. Oh, if my heart could just be still…I’ve been often reminded of Psalm 131 and the need to be resting in the Father’s lap…entrusting it all to Him. I stink at trusting...I’m so much better and manipulation and control. Dang it! I do pray that the Lord will deepen my capacity to trust His heart for me…that not only does He have a great plan for me and my desires to be met…but He also delights in me just as I am.
Who knows what the Lord will choose to do….all I know is that it will be good. I’m just grateful we can’t screw up His plan. That does bring me much comfort.
It has been a fun week in some respect too. I have enjoyed my class a lot and am learning a lot. I am so blessed to have the room I do and the air conditioning I have. I get to walk across a beautiful campus in lovely weather every day… It could be so much worse. Oh for a heart that would automatically recount all the goodness God has lavished on me.
We’re all in this together…..thanks for being on my team.
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